Thursday, March 8, 2012

More wedding dress woes

I can't promise that this is going to be the last whiny, depressing post for a while, but I'm hoping it is, ha.

So. This dress. I mostly finished making the dress for the wedding for the second time. Originally, I had gained weight. I made the size corresponding to my bust size at that point. I then lost weight. I remade the dress in the size corresponding to my bust size at that point. I put the dress on hold for months. I pulled it back out the other day to work on it. It was still a bit loose in the top, but I thought it looked good enough. Yesterday I pulled out some other dresses I had made in the past (the one for Kelly's wedding and the one for Aaron's dad's surprise party) to check the lengths and see how I wanted to do the length on my wedding dress. Well, those dresses fit much, much better. The one for Kelly's wedding looks absolutely spectacular. I told Aaron, "I look a lot skinnier in this dress..." He said something like, "Is that a concern, looking skinny?" I said, "No. I want to look fat in my wedding dress." It's always a concern. I know I am not fat and I didn't even feel that fat when I was fitting into larger sizes, but I still would obviously rather look thinner. The point is I want my dress to look flattering. I don't want it to look "good enough." I want it to look awesome.

So I had like a complete and total meltdown yesterday. I felt like my dress fit before I tried on a few dresses that really do fit, and then I just didn't know what to do. I basically felt like I'd not only lost all hope for the dress every fitting and looking awesome (and just being DONE already), but also for ever even getting married. I felt so disappointed, like this was supposed to be over and done with in October. We should be married and this dress should be hanging finished in the closet reminding me how awesome everything is, not sitting here unfinished and reminding me what a mess everything is. I was just sitting there, sobbing uncontrollably about not only the dress not fitting but also about the whole getting married thing "not fitting" into our situation currently. And Aaron was sitting there, not knowing what to do, saying, "It's okay, it's only a dress," which just made me cry more because it's NOT only a dress. It's my wedding dress and I want it to look perfect and I want to look skinny and I want to actually feel like I'm going to get to wear it someday and no matter what I do or what happens in the meantime I still have to be reminded of the fact that we are not married and have no idea of when we will be EVERY TIME I think about/see/work on this dress. I've already sewn it twice, and I felt like another failure would just be too much. Aaron also suggested that I could start with a new pattern, if I felt this one wasn't flattering or whatever, just start over. But this was supposed to be my dress, the perfect dress for me. This is the one I wanted, and trying to imagine anything else is just upsetting too. I had such excitement for the dress, for our wedding when I started it, and everything has just gone downhill since then. I'm sick of sewing a dress that doesn't fit over and over. I'm sick of never knowing what's going to happen with our wedding. All I feel now is just disappointment and loss. It's not "just a dress" that doesn't fit; I felt like I was just mourning the loss of all that excitement and potential that I had in September and October. I feel like I'm never going to be that excited again, about the dress (because it's just been so much of a pain) or about the wedding (because I feel like it's never going to happen), and I feel like I've invested so much energy and excitement into both with just no return and I don't know if I can get it back.

Anyway, I later calmed down and went and looked at the patterns I had used to make 3 previous dresses (the two that I mentioned and the one for Christian's baptism), and I had made one size smaller in all 3 than the wedding dress is currently. (Dress pattern sizes are weird, not the same as commercial pants or dress sizes or whatever, so it's not like I knew right away, "Oh, that's a size too big." You go by the measurements, and the measurements for the size that evidently fits are smaller than my actual measurements, which is why I went with the size I did.) So thinking about it in a more calm state of mind, I decided I can give it one more shot. I will start completely over with new fabric (last time I just took apart the dress and recut everything, but the fabric is getting messed up from all that ripping and resewing) in my apparent regular size and give it one last shot. If it doesn't fit, then I don't know. I will cry and have hysterics again, I imagine. But I will be optimistic. I will try to think of this as the beginning of things turning around. I will start fresh with the dress, and hopefully other things will start to look up as well. I really hope so. And either way, hey, at least I lost weight, ha.

I've also been considering sewing a dress for my niece-or-nephew-on-the-way's baptism, so that kind of has me feeling overwhelmed too. Like now I have to sew 2 dresses in the next couple months. And if my wedding dress again doesn't work out, then what? Sew a new pattern? (Aaron suggested that I could always just buy a dress, and I got fairly offended. I don't want some stupid store-bought dress. I want to make my wedding dress.) Well, I don't know, I guess if I am trying to be positive, I should assume for now that it's going to work out awesome, but I just don't know what I'll do if I still hate it when it fits. And another thing that depresses me is the thought that I am probably going to end up rushing to get this done and we still may not even get married in May as planned. In reality, I'll probably have plenty of time to make a completely dress if this one doesn't work out. Oh well, let's not worry about it now. I ordered new fabric online this morning and will wait for that to arrive. In the meantime, I may start working on the baptism dress. I realize I don't have to make one for that, but I made one for Christian's, and I just would like to do it again. That will also be in May, so I have about 2 months to sew 2 dresses. It's totally doable.

Here is the fabric I have picked out for the dress for Holden-or-Jillian's baptism:

I'm considering a contrast fabric too, but I'm not sure how I feel about these 2 together. I like them, Aaron doesn't. Opinions?

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